Forgiveness
The Lord has really been working on me about this one lately. I am a person who gives a lot of chances but once I feel like I’ve given enough, I am DONE. Once I’ve made up my mind that I’m done, it is pretty hard to reverse it. Infact I’m not quite sure that I’ve ever learned to reverse being done.
I justify myself by saying I am protecting myself and my family and there is nothing wrong with that. It wasn’t till recently that I’ve been slapped in the face with the realization That I have a problem. I go around telling people that they are never too far gone for God to save them. There is absolutely nothing that you can do that God will not forgive you for. As Christians are called to be more like Him. That includes forgiveness. We are to forgive others, as He has forgiven us. Everytime I go to church, I hear about forgiveness. The Bible is filled with many verses about forgiveness. This is one of many:
Matthew 6: 14-15 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
I know the verses. I know I have to forgive, I hear them. But I haven’t been very good about acting on them. This morning I sat at home instead of going to my church. I tuned in to watch a local church service on tv. Ofcourse it was right there slapping me in the face again. FORGIVE people . Don’t give up on people. Keep praying for people. It touched on so many things in my life, and how my nature is not what it should be.
I always hear ” you can distance yourself from people in your life, but you have to continue to pray for them, you can’t give up on them.” I say that I believe people can change. I have seen people who have changed. I know for a fact it can be done! Yet, I don’t believe in the people in my life who have yet to change. I have given up on them. I don’t pray for them anymore.
One is my own brother. He is almost 40 years old, an addict of drugs and alcohol. He still lives with my mom who is also raising his son. I don’t even call him my brother most of the time. I call him my mother’s son. I am civil when I talk to him for the most part. (We still have fights every few years) but I really don’t have much to do with him. I don’t seek him out. If I run into him, or he comes to my house I speak. He frequently says “I love you sis” and I may mutter back a you too, but I don’t say the words. If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I love him. I used to. I used to hope so badly that he would change. I believed that he would. After being let down so many times, and having so much heartache, being afraid everytime the phone rang that it would be someone telling me he had overdosed. I just stopped. I stopped feeling anything when it comes to him. I stopped loving him, I stopped believing he would change. I stopped going out of my way to talk to him. I stopped giving him money, and I stopped praying for him. It’s easier not to care, than it is to care. He only brought me down, so I stopped.
I know in my heart that I’m wrong. I know that I have to pray for him. I have to love him. I have to forgive him, eventhough he doesn’t deserve it. How can I ask my God to forgive me if I’m not willing to forgive? I surely don’t deserve his forgiveness. I mess up every single day. I commit the same old sins every single day. I say I’m going to change, yet the next day I’m doing the same things I’ve always done. Yet, God hasn’t given up on me.
Forgiveness is something that I struggle with daily. It’s not just with my brother. I have several others in my life that I cannot forgive. That I cannot seem to make myself pray for. People that I avoid on purpose. I’ve got to work this out. I’ve got to learn to forgive. I can’t do it on my own. I’ve decided to pray that God will give me a forgiving heart. Yet, I’m scared. I’m scared to pray those prayers because I don’t want to become weak, and let people take advantage of my forgiving heart. I still want control! That is where the real problem lies with forgiveness, and well pretty much everything. I’m afraid if I forgive, I lose control. In just about every situation in my life, it all comes down to control.
I want God to move in my life, but I want to control how he moves. I’m so afraid of letting go. God instructs me to TRUST, yet I don’t. God instructs me to FORGIVE yet I don’t. God instructs me to LOVE yet I think I should choose who I love. So today I pray that I become a less controlling, and more trusting person. That I learn to forgive, not because someone deserves it, but because My Father forgives me and instructs me to do the same.
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