Am I really saved? I think for people who were raised in church and always knew God, this question eventually comes up. It’s not really a question that anyone can answer for you. You have to pray about it. 

I was saved at a really young age which later in life made me question my salvation. I don’t know a date or even what age I was when I was saved. My grandpa was a Baptist preacher. I was raised in church and always knew about God. I do however remember the moment I realized I was a sinner and needed to ask for forgiveness and for God to come into my heart. I told my Grandpa that I was afraid I was going to go to hell because I really loved listening to the song Your Mamma Don’t Dance and your daddy don’t rock and roll. He laughed, we talked and we prayed. I asked Jesus to come into my heart and to forgive me for my sins. It was a done deal, I was saved. After that I was on fire for Jesus. I witnessed to my friends at school, I sang in church and I prayed without ceasing. I loved Jesus. I wanted to shout His praises from the mountain tops, I wanted everyone I knew, to know Him too.

      Then somewhere in my pre teen years my relationship with God changed. I started trying to “earn” blessings in my life. My dad had a massive heart attack and died when I was 12 and to be honest, I wasn’t sure if he was in heaven or not. My grandpa told me that he knew He had professed his faith in God, but no one really knows except him and God. There wasn’t much about my dad’s life that seemed godly. That’s when I began to think I had to bargain with God and try to be good enough to go to heaven. I had to be good enough to earn blessings. I guess a part of me thought that my dad dying meant I wasn’t good enough. I was scared too death that my mom would also die. I started seeing God as a strict father who would punish me if I didn’t do better. I was in a really dark place and probably needed counseling, but it was the 90s. Nobody knew about mental health.  I went to the extremes trying to be good enough and I never added up. I always felt guilty. It was a battle I couldn’t win. Eventually I stopped trying to be good. I started doing things I shouldn’t. It started out small, watching horror movies, listening to rap music, cussing and chasing after boys. Then it turned into smoking cigarettes, drinking and having sex. At 17 I got pregnant by a guy that I honestly didn’t even really like that much. However I thought well now we are going to have a baby, so I gotta stay. It’s me and him forever. After I got pregnant the relationship became toxic overnight. He started drinking more, then doing drugs, cheating on me and being abusive. Then I started questioning my self. I started thinking something was wrong with me. I thought the relationship was bad because I wasn’t good enough. I became desperate. I kept trying to be good enough. I had a kid, I was damaged. No other man would ever want me and another man’s kid. I had to make it work with him, or I would end up alone forever. I chased that guy all over town trying to make him love me. I begged God to change him. Nothing worked. I wasn’t innocent in the relationship. I was toxic too. He hit me, but I hit back harder. I choked him out a couple of times, I burned his clothes, had a yard sale with all of his stuff while he was asleep and eventually I cheated too . I didn’t try to hide it. I wanted him to know. I wanted it to hurt him. We broke up and got back together 2 or 3 times a week. Alot happened in a short time. The off and on again relationship was over before my son turned a year old. I finally realized staying together was hurting my kid more than helping. So I got out for good.  Even after it was over, I was still spiraling. I was a good mama when my son was home. I put all of my love and attention in to him. When I had a babysitter I was partying. Sometimes I went to church hung over. I had decided I was never getting married. So when my kid was at his mee mee’s, I drank till I didn’t feel anything and had a lot meaningless relationships. I still believed in Jesus and if you asked me I would tell you how much I loved Him, even at a bar when I could barely walk, but you couldn’t see the evidence of Jesus in my life at all.

   Eventually I committed to an actual relationship with a man. I started dating Matthew when my son was 3 years old. We had a lot of mutual friends and been friend’s for a while so he knew my past and he already knew my son. None of our friends thought it would last. In 2006 we had our first daughter. We had a whole kid together but I still wasn’t ready for marriage. Although I knew things were different with him, and I had feelings for him. I didn’t believe in true love or marriage. To me, that was just something that happened in the old days. I didn’t think love like my grandparents had existed anymore. I was wrong. Matthew was everything I never knew I needed, but God knew and I believe God sent him to me. Still I had bars around my heart. Still I wanted control. I wouldn’t let myself believe that this was actually going to work. I didn’t want to get married. I thought marriage would change things and I didn’t want that to happen. I always said if I ever got married I would only do it once. I watched my mom get married and divorced over and over again. I wasn’t doing that. If I got married, divorce isn’t an option so if I never got married, I wouldn’t ever have to get a divorce. Makes a lot of sense right?  It took me 5 years to commit but we finally got married and our life has just been getting better and better since. 

        My grandpa had gotten old and stopped preaching so I had no church home anymore. I went to the same little country church most of my life. Going to a new church was scary. In 2011 we started going to Old Bethel Baptist Church. A friend had invited me. I kept hearing people give their testimonies. It stuck out to me that almost all of them knew the exact date that they became a Christian. They had a profound change in their life after meeting The Lord. I didn’t remember the date, and the only profound change in my life was me running from God. I began to doubt my salvation. My grandpa preached once saved always saved very heavy. I knew I couldn’t just “get saved again”  if I had ever been saved, I couldn’t lose it. 

I had never doubted my salvation before even when I was doing horrible things. I always said I knew I was backslidden and out of the will of God but still saved. But now I’m sitting there wondering- was I ever really saved? I don’t remember the date. I don’t remember a profound change. What if I don’t know Jesus?It was a question that haunted me for weeks. Day and night I prayed and asked God to give me an answer.  I didn’t feel like he was giving me an answer. 

     One Sunday, (I still don’t know the exact date. I think it was in November of 2011.) the church did a reenactment of the Everything skit by life house. I had never heard of it, so I was seeing it the first time. 

It was like I was watching my life play out on stage. In the beginning there was just Jesus and me. Everything was beautiful. But then life happened. Here came all the sin, boys, trying to be pretty, sex, money, alcohol, self mutilation and suicide attempts.  Jesus was there all along, He never left, and finally Jesus steps in  and holds all of that other stuff back and life is beautiful again. I had never told anyone I had attempted suicide but I had several times in my life. (That’s a post for another day) every piece of the everything skit hit me on a personal level. I bawled and bawled. Still to this day, if I watch it I bawl and I am so grateful that He never left me. 

     That day my relationship with Jesus changed. There was a profound change in my life. I stopped trying to earn things from Him and just loved getting to know Him and praise Him in thankfulness of what He had already done for me. I stopped bargaining with Him. I stopped trying to be good enough, I realized I never could be on my own. I realized I never lost my salvation. He was ALWAYS there. When I look back I can see the prayers He was answering. I could see how He was taking care of me. He didn’t give me what I wanted but He did give me what He knew I needed. Thank God He knows better than me. If He had given me the things I thought I wanted, my life wouldn’t be near as blessed as it is today. 

UPDATE 

Now it’s 2025 I am still not where I need to be in my walk with Jesus. I read my Bible daily and I talk to God, but I don’t have a church home. I make excuses to sit home and watch online almost every Sunday  but I know He has called me to be a part of a community. He has called me to do more. Yet I continually fight against it and I don’t know why. I don’t know what or where that calling is. I hope in 5 years my testimony will be that I’m serving in a church and living out Gods calling for my life.